The Mysterious Anti-Denmark Crusader (mertle) wrote,
The Mysterious Anti-Denmark Crusader
mertle

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Anterior Fornix Erogenous Zone. Also referred to as The Epicentre.

First off, I'm just going to throw this one out there. I Come In Peace (aka Dark Angel), starring Dolph Lundgren, is the single best movie of all time. Disagree? Well, you sir are a douchetard. Let's review the facts, shall we?

- It revolves around a young yet cocky and brash cop (Lundgren) and his rocky relationship with his by-the-books, straight-laced FBI partner. Oh, but the FBI guy loosens up at the end when Dolph saves his life! Shockah!
- It's about two aliens. One is blonde and evil and is dead set on killing people, injecting them with copious amounts of heroin and then drilling into their brains and stealing their endorphins. The other has black hair and is an intergalactic cop on a mission to stop Alien A. Oh, and they shoot each other with ridiculously powerful weapons (including a magic "electromagnetic" spinning disc device) throughout the movie, resulting in many an explosion/dive towards the camera to avoid said explosions.
- There's a gang of stereotypical evil 80's Wall Street guys called "The White Boys". They drive around in late-model Porsches/Ferraris and are hell-bent on killing Dolph for reasons I never quite worked out. Oh yeah, the capture Dolph/FBI dude at one point and force them to do a drug deal with a shady Chinese man for them. Chinese dude rips them off and runs into the alley, only to be killed by the aforementioned evil alien (Who, by the way, was named as "Bad Alien" in the credits. The other being, of course, "Good Alien". Top work producers!). And yeah, after this, the White Boys never appear again. At all.
- The closing fight scene. Well, the last four lines of dialogue in it anyway:

Bad Alien - "I WINNNNNN!"
Dolph - "Fuck you, spaceman!" (Proceeds to bust him in the neck with his own heroin injecty Scorpion-spear do-whacky. Alien then falls back onto a conveniently placed spike which impales him and leads to the longest fucking "Aaaaaaarghhhhhhhhh! Aaaaarrghghhgghgghh!" death scene in cinematic history)
Bad Alien - "I come in peace!" (He said this a lot, hence the original title of the film. But the thing was, he didn't at all! It was one huge interplanetary lie! Oh Bad Alien, we trusted you!")
Dolph - "Then you go in pieces, asshole!"

EXPLOSIONS ENSUE! Dolph gets his lady! High fives are had with his new FBI friend!

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! You cannot beat that in terms of all-round quality.

Do you know what else is fucking ace? That's right, the North Perth McDonald's. Yeah sure, it's filthy, even for a McDonald's. And they ALWAYS fuck up your order (Seriously, every time. Once they even forgot to put the top half of my Quarter Pounder on), but for sheer so-bad-it's-good entertainment, it cannae be beaten. Take tonight's display for instance:

(Huge shady dude with scary pale-green eyes, stubby-shorts and bare feet walks up to the counter)

Cute Asian Girl At Counter - Hi, what can I get for you?
Scary Barefoot Ex-Con Guy - Yeah, can I get a thickshake and my mate out of lockup please?
CAGAC - Uhh... Sorry?
SBECG - I said, can I get a thickshake and my mate out of the lockup please?
CAGAC - Sorry, we're unable to do thickshakes right now because the machine is broken and umm... what was the other thing? (She turns to me with a confused "What the fuck?" look. I try to stifle my laughter)
SBEGC - My mate. Out of the lockup. He wanted a thickshake, and he couldn't get one. 20 years he's been coming here! 20 years! And he couldn't get a thickshake, so he got a little upset and they came and took him away and now he's in jail because of youse!
CAGAC - I uhh... I... (Looks at me again, this time laughing, and I'm completely losing the plot by now)
SBEGC - They loaded him in the paddywagon and took him away all because he couldn't get a thickshake after 20 years. He's been living in this area and coming into this store for 20 bloody years!
CAGAC - Umm... would you like me to get my manager?
SBEGC - Bloody oath I would!
(Girl goes to get her manager, who's a mid-20's dude with a horrible curly faux-hawk. The crazy ranting ex-con continues his argument with him, and it emerges that his friend was going through the drive-through, got angry about the lack of thickshakes, got out his car and punched the service window a few times. Unsurpisingly the cops were called)

Sadly, my food came before the conclusion, but I did notice the girl from the counter bent over the chip-fryer in fits of laughter as I left. Aces!

In other news, I got a job at Dome in Northbridge, starting Monday. Hurrah! Feel free to come on in and see me, if you want a globule of semen in your club sandwich that is. By that, I mean don't fucking come in at all you fucks. You know those hats and aprons are ridiculous, and I shan't be seen wearing mine!

Pete and I's 18-pack of Kirk's Club Lemon investment was a shrewd one indeed! Thumbs up for the P contingent of ThirtyFiveGay! Thumbs down to the third guy. Just kidding, he's pretty ace and you should give him a warm bearhug when you see him next, and ask him to show you his trick of putting sticks of dry spaghetti in his beard.
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